Managing the Unavoidable Stress of Infertility
By Valerie Granoff, LCSW
A dream. An expectation of a lifetime. A baby. Many couples expect conceiving a biological child will be natural and simple, and that it will occur without disrupting the privacy of their own lives. What they don’t anticipate is that in order to conceive, they will need the help of doctors, medications, and invasive procedures -- and that they may have to begin an emotional roller coaster ride that could last for months or even years. For many couples, navigating such personal,unknown territory is a life-changing, stressful experience. But the reward at the end of the journey is nothing short of a miracle and one worth investing whatever it takes to achieve this dream. Once the decision to move forward with treatment has been made, managing the stress associated with the process becomes paramount.
Typically, “stress” begins with a cognitive or intellectual perception of an event which is immediately followed by a biological response--the release of powerful neurochemicals and hormones that prepare us for action -- to “fight or flee”. If we perceive that the outcome about which we feel stress can be predictable and within our control, we feel safe enough for these “stress chemicals” to remain within a normal range. In this state, we may feel energized and even productive. But if we perceive an event to be unsafe or even life threatening, stress becomes extreme and we enter a state of “distress”. When this kind of stress is prolonged, uninterrupted, or unmanaged, these neurochemicals can lead to physical and emotional problems. With a better understanding of how stress affects our bodies, and with the incorporation of deliberate strategies designed to deal with stress -- much like incorporating exercise into our daily lives -- we can learn to regulate our bodies to keep these chemicals within a normal range.
The emotional roller coaster is a natural part of the infertility experience. The hope and excitement that occurs at the beginning of a reproductive cycle (good stress) is typically followed by a period of anxiety and anticipation, waiting for a treatment result (normal, time-limited stress). This is often followed by news that the attempt was unsuccessful (bad stress). These emotional cycles, when repeated over time, may create a feeling of loss and/or loss of control (distress). Even a positive pregnancy test is frequently worrisome until the first trimester has passed. As months and sometimes years pass without a successful outcome, this state can lead to secondary health issues and depression.
Strategies for managing stress are plentiful. Many couples do not talk to anyone about their process, believing that they are alone in this experience and that others will not understand.
Learning to focus on what is within your control reduces fear and anxiety and allows the body to temporarily return to a state of calm.
Removing yourself from events which trigger sadness, loss and jealousy will also allow your body to remain calmer and less reactive.
Deliberately choosing activities that provide a sense of distraction, relaxation, and self-nurturing will enhance the quality of your daily life.
Prescribed strategies are plentiful, but sometimes the best strategies are not taught. They are, instead, discovered by each individual. What works for one person may not work for someone else. The right answers are those that work best for you and help you achieve balance through a difficult but worthwhile journey to maintain health and calm.
Managing the Unavoidable Stress of Infertility