How do you respond when well-meaning friends say hurtful things disguised as advice?
Like: "Just relax and you'll get pregnant!"
Tell the:"well-meaning adviser" that couples who get pregnant on cruise vacations aren't infertile; infertility, like diabetes or high blood pressure, is a diagnosable disease that requires treatment. If you are one of the almost eight million couples* in the United States who is infertile, a long weekend will probably not resolve your condition – anymore than it would resolve diabetes or hypertension.
Friends and family who have never faced infertility, the generation that didn't talk openly about medical concerns, and those we call "Fertile Myrtles," may underestimate the emotional cauldron your life becomes after you receive a diagnosis of infertility.
In younger years, many of us try not to get pregnant. We all assume that having a child is a 'right," and conception will happen on command. So it's understandable that many people you encounter simply don't have enough information, or life experience, to have an empathetic conversation with you.
When you do encounter these emotional landmines, you can diffuse the situation with a retort-at-the-ready:
"It could be worse, you could have (fill in the blank)." Explain that for you and your partner, the loss you feel every month is painful and real. For you, this is the worst thing that could happen.
"I found something on the Internet…" Thank your friend, but remind him or her that you have done your homework, and entrusted your care to a Reproductive Endocrinologist, a specialist with seven additional years of education and training beyond medical school.
"You could always adopt." Respond with: "We are committed, financially and emotionally, to conceiving a child and will let you know when and if we change course."
"I hear that acupuncture cures infertility." Fertility experts agree that while acupuncture in conjunction with fertility treatment may increase the chance for pregnancy, data suggesting that acupuncture alone improves results are not conclusive.
Your family and friends may feel powerless to help, but you can point them toward helpful websites (Resolve.org features a 'Just For Friends and Family' page) and ask them for what you need: a listening ear, rides to appointments, and grace when difficult situations arise, like baby showers and Mother's Day.
Most importantly, though, remind your support system that this isn't about them. When friends, family and co-workers try to "fix" your infertility by offering opinions disguised as advice, it just adds to the frustration that you and your partner already feel. Often the best response to someone riding the roller coaster of infertility is to say nothing at all, but instead just listen.
To paraphrase that well known expert Winnie the Pooh: "Don't underestimate the value of Doing Nothing, of just going along, listening to all the things you can't hear, and just being supportive."
