No one wants to face infertility. The diagnosis
can be life altering; the battle can drain you, emotionally and
physically. When the diagnosis affects your spouse, how do you help
her AND keep your sanity? Brace yourself.
From birth, we program women to bear and rear
children. You get a truck for your birthday -- she gets a doll to
nurture, feed, burp and dress. Society puts the responsibility of
pregnancy and child rearing squarely on the shoulders of women. From
the time a young woman first gets her period, it is a constant
reminder of her future role as a mother. She will spend the next 10
years waiting for her monthly period to show up like clockwork,
reassured that everything is working fine. When the time finally
comes to try for pregnancy, that same period, in a sense, breaks its
promise. A period becomes an emotionally devastating event every
month. Add to this the affect of rollercoaster hormones, and a
difficult situation can seem insurmountable.
So how do you help your spouse cope with
infertility and somehow deal with the emotions and sadness you too
may be feeling?
Open Up to Communication
Communication means taking the time to discuss
thoughts, feelings and frustrations. You need to offer truth and
honesty. She needs to hear that you, too, have feelings about “your”
infertility. Your spouse needs to understand that you are there for
the entire process, and she wants to be reminded that each negative
pregnancy test also crushes you.
Men deal with infertility by compartmentalizing
and, in some cases, denying it. Women, on the other hand, cope by
talking things out. Your spouse won’t understand your emotional
detachment, and may assume you are disinterested in her or the
process.
Tip: Actively engaging in regular
communication will help her realize you are working toward a common
goal.
Dial Up the Romance and Recreation
To escape the constant reminders of
infertility, you can go to the office, or immerse yourself in
friends or hobbies. It’s possible for you to stop thinking about
conceiving a child, even for a little while.
Your spouse can’t. Her inability to conceive
will constantly weigh on her mind. Unlike men, babies, talk of
babies and pregnancy surround women. Your spouse has nowhere to
escape.
To help her cope with the constant connection
to infertility, try removing yourselves from your regular
environment. Look for events, preferably ones that aren’t “family
friendly,” that you can do together, as a distraction from the
conception process.
The stress of therapy, timed intercourse and
lack of control can lead to intimacy loss, and marriages can suffer
under the stress of treatment. Maintain your emotional connection.
Tip: Find fun, relaxing activities together
to keep your relationship strong, strengthen your bond and give your
minds a break. Google an ‘events calendar’ for the city you live in.
Arm Yourself with Information
Your spouse will look to you when making
important therapy decisions, so take some time to learn the basics.
Understanding infertility will empower you both to make confident
decisions. The TFC office provides many helpful resources: classes,
seminars, treatment literature and this website (see Coping with
Infertility for more information).
Take Control of Planning and Finances
Financial issues can dogpile on the concern and
worry brought on by infertility treatments. Understanding your
insurance plan is hard enough, but add financial plans, deductibles
and the need to dip into savings, and your stress level skyrockets.
Arrange to sit down with your spouse and make a
plan. Understand exactly what your insurance will pay for and what
it won’t. The TFC business office team will help you understand your
particular insurance plan.
Some insurance issues to consider:
Will your insurance change during your
treatment period?
Are you going through treatment during
benefits enrollment or renewal?
Are you changing companies?
Assess your financial situation and decide
exactly how much you are willing to invest in infertility
treatments. Determine what you can invest, and make a contract with
your spouse to stick to the bottom line.
A financial plan will help you and your spouse
enter into the quest for a baby with three key advantages:
You won’t have many, if any, surprises
about what your insurance will or will not cover.
You will have a bottom line figure of what
you are both willing to invest.
You regain some of the control that
infertility takes away from a couple
Tip: Most couples are comfortable with basic
financial planning, but you may consider seeking the advice of a
financial planner.
Togetherness and a Unified Front
Social stressors can be difficult to handle.
How many times have well meaning relatives or friends thoughtlessly
asked: “When are you going to start a family?” Although you and your
spouse may understand that these comments are genuine, they are
still hurtful. Deciding on a unified response as a couple will give
you both a way to cope with this situation. Candidly let people know
you are experiencing infertility. When your close circle of friends
and family know about your situation, they will be more sensitive.
