More than six million U.S. couples currently
face infertility, and 40 percent suffer from male factor
infertility. During this difficult time, women receive tools and
resources to help them deal with their feelings. Unfortunately,
society often leaves men alone to process the emotions of
infertility and fertility treatments.
Thankfully, we no longer view infertility as
strictly a woman’s problem; however, men still struggle to find
proper support. Men suffering from infertility need to know their
emotional health is a priority, too.
Men are often not as willing to talk about
infertility, which may stem from the traditional view that children
fall under a woman's domain. Over the ages, society categorized
conception and fertility as a ‘woman's responsibility.’
Understanding the origins of this perception and shifting your
paradigm will help give voice to your role in overcoming
infertility.
Establishing a Support System
When a woman experiences infertility, friends and family often
identify with her pain and want to offer comfort. They understand
what she is going through, or can empathize. At the same time, many
people forget the other half of the couple -- and that he is also in
pain. If a fertility specialist identifies you as the cause of the
infertility, your feelings of helplessness, stress and anger
exponentially increase.
Just as there are significant overall
differences in men and women, disparities exist between how they
deal with infertility. Women have a need to share and express their
feelings. They often reach out to family and friends. In general,
men may internalize their feelings and try to remain strong. Because
other men don’t often talk about sensitive issues like fertility and
having children, you may feel like downplaying your struggle.
Tip: Men dealing with infertility experience many emotions, and they
need validation of these feelings, and suggestions to help them
cope. Talk to your spouse, and make connections with other men
experiencing infertility. It helps to know you’re not alone.
Common Misconceptions
Many conditions
contribute to the disparity in male and female responses to
infertility. Unlike women, men don’t receive a monthly reminder of
their fertility, or lack thereof. For this reason, men may seem less
sensitive or distressed by childlessness. Monitoring ovulation is a
woman's task, and contraception often falls to the female partner.
Frequently, the initial fertility diagnosis
occurs because the woman initiates the process with her
gynecologist; her male partner doesn’t always participate in these
office visits. Consequently, men come into the diagnostic picture
much later. Tests tend to be more invasive and complicated for women
than for men. In addition, men often think of their reproductive
system as uncomplicated, with little that can disrupt its function,
further distancing men from the initial shock of infertility.
The Cultural Significance
Several factors influence how men react to male infertility.
American culture doesn’t inundate our psyches with images of
fathering in the same way it focuses on women as mothers. A quick
look through traditional men's magazines reveals very few articles
on how to be a great dad. Women's publications devote cover articles
and entire sections to parenting. Our culture shields men from
developing expectations of their role as a parent. This may account
for seeming indifference when a man faces childlessness.
Additionally, our culture expects men to show
strength in the face of adversity and deems emotional responses to
these events as weak. For men, strength seems to require detachment.
How emotionally invested can we expect a man to be when pregnancy, a
biological event for woman, remains solely a social experience for
the male partner?
Of course, an infertility diagnosis can crush a
man, especially if he longs to become a parent. The same issues that
confront women weigh on men, and both sexes must now cope with
taking parenthood for granted. Failing procreative body functions
devastate men, especially since we associate these functions with
sexuality. If they fail to conceive, men may consider it an assault
on their masculinity.
Understanding Your Emotions
While you and your partner undergo infertility treatments, you may
experience similar emotions and feelings:
Anger with “fate” and invisible factors
that thwart your plan to become a parent
Frustration with the myriad of tests and
procedures you will tackle together
Numbness, and an inability to focus
Sadness, isolation and depression as you
face statistical realities
However, men and women may also experience
quite different emotions while they battle infertility. That’s
because societal roles often determine the role that men and women
will play: men, the protector, and women, the procreator.
Male Responses to Infertility
Emotional
responses to an infertility diagnosis can vary. You may initially
feel shocked and overwhelmed by your diagnosis, which can cause you
to see yourself as imperfect. Additionally, men often develop a
sense of failure and feel they will miss out on an important life
experience.
Often, men feel uncomfortable expressing depression and sadness, so
their outward reactions may come out as verbal anger, a more
socially acceptable mode of expression. As anger changes to other
less comfortable emotions, such as grief, men may further retreat
and repress any emotional responses.
When a man receives a diagnosis of male factor
infertility, he often feels responsible for the infertility,
especially if the condition relates to any earlier life event. For
example, sports injuries, childhood illnesses and other contributing
factors become the easy targets of disdain and frustration.
Feelings of Inadequacy
When fertility issues arise with the male partner, many men struggle
with feeling inadequate. Although these ideas have no basis in
truth, men often equate their manliness with their ability to
impregnate their wives. Just watch a proud father boast about his
four strong sons, and you can see the correlation. Feelings of
inadequacy are exacerbated when a man must masturbate into a cup and
undergo an embarrassing examination to discover the root cause.
Loss of Control
Certainly, fertility issues highlight how little control we have
over our bodies. Men need to feel empowered in their lives. When a
man suddenly discovers that he can’t control his ability to
procreate, this revelation can be unsettling.
Tip: Accepting your reality can take time,
so give yourself a chance to process your emotions.
Thoughts of Failure: A Need for Boys
For
centuries, men have wanted to produce male heirs because survival of
the family line and the family name depended on a son. In many
cultures today, these thoughts still prevail, adding to a man’s
struggle. The notion of continuing a genetic line has strong
emotional connections for many men, particularly those who are
‘only’ sons. Infertility can mean not only the inability to pass
along the family name, but also the family genes.
Many men also wrestle with lost dreams. If a
man questions whether or not he'll ever have children, then he must
face the fact that he might not have an heir to carry on the family
name. Certainly, men, as well as their partners, should consider
other options, including adoption, surrogacy and perhaps fertility
treatments.
Guilt
When a man suffers from male factor infertility, guilt is a common
response. Men know that their wives want children and the guilt
arises because they feel like a hindrance to that dream. Rationally,
you may see that no one deserves blame, but that knowledge may not
resolve the emotions tied to infertility. Reach out to your partner
as much as possible, and remember that you are in this process
together.
Physical Reactions
Sexual problems can surface with a diagnosis of male factor
infertility. Erectile dysfunction and loss of desire can occur. When
a man questions his masculinity, he may worry so much about his
ability to function as a "man" that he finds himself unable to
achieve or maintain an erection. These same concerns can rob him of
a desire for sex. Treatment may remove the privacy of sex because
diagnostic procedures can require "sex on demand,” which further
aggravates these problems. The strain of worry and frustration can
remove fun and intimacy from your sexual relationship.
Tip: Remember that making love matters to you and your partner,
even if it won’t produce a pregnancy. Focus on romance and
connecting as a couple.
Relationship
Fallout
Marriages can suffer, too. Men often
feel as though they have let their wives down. The stress can spill
over into the marital relationship. A husband may suggest his wife
should find a “real” man who can give her a child naturally. Small
disagreements can get blown out of proportion. Some men may seek sex
outside a marriage as a way of affirming their masculinity and
desirability to a woman, which will only create more problems for a
couple.
Tip: Look at this situation as a
challenge to your relationship and find ways to improve the
partnership. Infertility can draw you and your partner closer
together, particularly when each person sees it as a team effort to
overcome the problem.
In addition to your marriage, other
relationships can suffer the impact of male factor infertility. Men
may avoid relatives and friends who have children of their own.
Holiday celebrations with young children present become difficult
reminders of infertility. Because men feel less comfortable
discussing their emotions with friends and co-workers, these
interactions don’t offer supportive outlets for frustrations, which
may cause a man to further withdraw.
