Valerie Granoff, LCSW is in private practice in Austin, TX. She
specializes in working with adults, individually and as couples, on
a variety of issues including fertility, relationships, grief, mood
disorders and family issues. She may be reached by phone,
512-258-2812, or e-mail,
valerie@austin-therapy.com.
Creating Informal Support Through the Journey of Infertility
Navigating through the infertility process can, for many, be a long,
arduous, and sometimes, painful journey. For those who have
experienced a little or a lot, the days, nights, weeks, and months
can seem very long. Some people choose to keep their struggle and
experience with infertility private. They may feel that fertility is
an intensely personal issue. They may feel embarrassed or ashamed
because they have failed to meet their own or others’ expectations.
Or, they may feel too vulnerable to handle the comments and feedback
they will receive from others. They cope behind closed doors or, at
the most, seek professional help as their only means of support.
Although this works best for some, having informal support from
friends and family can be a tremendous blessing.
The importance of asking for and receiving support
There has been mounting evidence that group support and social
support in general can lead to a healthier view and better overall
quality of life. We are social animals first and foremost, and, on
many physiological and emotional levels, benefit from the warmth,
understanding, and connection from those who know how to support us
in the way we need.
Infertility changes you. It’s a time when you find yourself
disconnecting from those you love the most, family and friends.
Isolating and pulling away from the fertile world can feel better
than remaining a part of “normal life”. It’s very common to want to
be a part of everything but not want to engage in anything. And as
the gap between you and the fertile world widens, it becomes harder
to be around those who now seem to disappoint you at every turn with
their inaccurate medical advice, offhand remarks, and insensitive
responses to your grief. But it is at these moments you need to be
connected to supportive, loving. and understanding people.
Given that the infertility journey can take months or even years,
being isolated and withdrawn from others can lead to secondary
problems of depression and marital distress. Chances are, those who
care about you WANT to support you through this difficult time; they
just don’t know how. Your challenge is to teach them how to be the
best friend and loved one they can be to you right now. One thing
that is certain-- if you do not reach out, you are certain not to
receive any support.
Who will be our best support?
How do we know who the best people in our lives to support us will
be? Your spouse may be your best support and be there for you at all
times, but a spouse is going through the process with you and only
has a limited capacity to solely provide the intense and long-term
support needed to go through the long journey. So, we look outside
to see who might also be people in our lives who can sustain
supporting us for the long haul. Take a step back and look honestly
at the members of your family to see who can and who cannot be
supportive. Are they judgmental, accepting, and able to listen
without giving unsolicited advice? Can they understand? Can they
truly listen and “make it about you”? Do they have a moral
objection, and, therefore, cannot support you without conditions?
Avoid those who cannot understand, say unhelpful things, or those
who cannot provide comfort or support. Avoid those who cannot keep
what you share confidential. The crisis of infertility or pregnancy
loss can open your eyes to the true nature of others. Some people
may surprise you and be better at supporting than you might have
imagined. And others may disappoint you and be unable to provide
what you need. One strategy may be to cast a big net and ferret out
the friends who will be your best support. Another may be to try to
reach out to one at a time and test the waters by sharing a little
to evaluate the response before you dive in.
When to involve family and friends
Some couples feel a greater level of comfort at the beginning of
their fertility journey and share their experiences openly. They may
feel that it will be a short process and find it easy to include
many as they share information. But as the struggle becomes longer,
they may pull back and not have the same energy to manage the
information or others reactions to it in the same manner.
Conversely, some couples choose to wait to share anything until they
have “news” or have consulted professionally about what the
long-term impact of disclosure will be. But once they realize the
journey is becoming long, they reach out for support because the
emotional burden is too much to carry alone. When to involve friends
and family is a very personal decision and depends upon your nature
and the relationship and nature of those with whom you are sharing.
Finding the balance between sharing enough to have support and not
so much you feel out of control of the flow of information is the
key to getting the most out of support from others.
How to tell people you are struggling with infertility
Understand that many families have never before experienced
infertility and have no idea how it is treated or how they can help
someone who faces it. Family members and friends require education.
Provide books, magazines, and helpful websites. The more they know,
the more helpful they can be. And once they have a general idea of
what you are going through, communicate your story, what you need,
and how you need it. Sometimes making a list of what you need is a
good exercise for yourself and something to share in writing with
others. If you fail to communicate your needs, your infertility can
become a no-win situation for your friends and family. They may make
assumptions about what they think you need and inadvertently upset
you because they didn’t know. For example, if you want to be
included when another family member or friend becomes pregnant, then
make it known that you don’t want to be left out or treated any
differently than before infertility. But if hearing this news would
feel devastating given your current status, ask to be “taken off the
list” when announcements are made. What you need may change from
time to time. Continuing to communicate your needs over time can
only insure that those around you have the best chance of success at
supporting you as you need them to. And if communicating directly is
too emotionally difficult, have someone else communicate for
you--let your husband share your news of loss if it becomes too
difficult while you are going through it.
How to cope with family and friends who “do not understand
infertility”
No matter how much we try to educate, inform or share, there are
still going to be those who do not understand infertility or how
profoundly our lives are affected by it. This is one of the many
losses experienced through the infertility process. For those who
cannot understand, patience and forgiveness of them goes a long way.
As long as they do not add to your stress and can find a way to at
least accept what you are sharing, you will just have to create your
support system to include a primary group of people whom you feel do
understand and can provide the support you need.
What is helpful and what is not
Guiding friends and family to be the best support to you may
sometimes mean educating them about what is helpful and what is not
helpful to say or do. So often, our support people intend to be
helpful in their responses to our struggles and losses but
inadvertently hurt us with their words or actions. There many books
and articles written with long lists of examples of the do’s and
don’ts. Below is a sampling of what many say:
Helpful/Supportive:
Silence, a touch and simple assurances go a long way
Compassion: “I am so sorry”
Empathy: “I can only imagine what this must be like for you”
Validation: “It sounds like this has been such a difficult road for
you”
Support: “I am here for you anytime”
Disclosure of shared common experiences
Understanding if you do not want to attend triggering events like a
baby shower or holiday gathering
Sending a sympathy card after a miscarriage
An employer offering time off as needed, and flexibility to
accommodate scheduling needs
Hurtful/Insensitive:
Minimizing the magnitude this experience or loss
Acting as if it didn’t happen
Being patronized
Withdrawing from or avoiding contact with you
Friends and family talking about you behind your back
Being told you’re selfish for not being happy about another’s
pregnancy or new baby
Turning the conversation to their own experience “I know what you
mean. My sister….”
Saying hurtful things that are intended to be helpful, such as “It’s
God’s will”; “Just relax”; “Look at the glass half full”; “look on
the bright side”;“I know exactly how you feel” when they have never
been through what you have; “Go on vacation and you’ll get
pregnant”; “You can always adopt and then you’ll get pregnant”;
“It’s all going to be O.K.”; “You should feel…”
Whatever your experience, the more patient and direct you can be to
guide others, the better the support they will be able to give you.
What to share, what “not” to share
What and how much to share of your own experience is a very personal
decision. Sometimes it is easiest for you and your spouse to prepare
responses that are consistent and informative - responses that
satisfy a support person’s need to be informed and your need to
maintain control over the information. There are so many facets of
infertility that leave couples feeling out of control. The more you
can control the information you share, the better you will feel as
your process continues. In response to his daughter who miscarried
and said that she shouldn’t have told anyone she was pregnant, her
father said, “I would have rather known and lost than to have never
known at all and been told after it was over”. Sometimes what to
share and how much to share is a process learned over time through
trial and error. However, if there is ever information that you do
not want a child knowing in the future, it is better to keep those
details private and confidential.
Working with other couples who are dealing with infertility
Formal support groups and peer support groups, such as RESOLVE,
create an environment to be with other people saying the same things
you say, feeling the same things you are feeling, and experiencing
friends and family responding the same way as yours. Being with
others going through similar experiences allows you to let your
guard down and feel comfortable to express those emotions that have
had to “go underground” in the fertile world.
It is important to remember that your fertility journey is a
temporary one. Along the way, you may be surprised to find that some
friends and family members become closer to you as you look to them
for support, and some become more distant. In the end, you will
resume your social life and become a part of it again. Your distance
and caution with whom you let in will once again be replaced with a
more spontaneous social existence.
Valerie
Granoff, LCSW